Making a Good "Percy Jackson" Movie | THE IDEA TRAIN

HOLD UP. I know what you're gonna say, and I know I should be over this monstrosity right now, but every time I watch a video about how good Prisoner of Azkaban was, I can't help but wonder just how good a Percy Jackson movie series could've been.

Without further ado, let's get to it.

Okay, I know I've bitched about the live action Percy Jackson movies before, and I'm sure a lot of you are probably sick to death of hearing me talk about them (in person, at least). But I've always had this idea as to what the perfect Percy Jackson adaptation would be like, and I figured it was too good to not share with anyone.

My friend also asked me to make a post detailing how these movies could be good, so there's also that (shot out to Ysa). So, I figured, "why don't I piece together a proper Percy Jackson adaptation?"

There really are quite a lot of things I wanna say and ideas I wanna get out there, so bear with me. But, before I dig into that, let's talk about what the original movie gets wrong.

At least, on the most fundamental of levels.

If there's a root to the countless problems in the Percy Jackson "movies" - I refuse to acknowledge them as such - it really all does come down to how this movie was slanted in the first place. When you see the movie, it's increasingly apparent that the execs behind it saw a bunch of teenage girls reading it and thought to themselves, "Hey, this can make a shit ton of money." And, from then on, we had... well, this thing.

F**k.

Everything from the completely f**ked up tone to the shitty characters to the hilariously awful casting choices stems from the idea that Percy Jackson is what all the hip teens were into. The problem was that the books were never even slanted towards teens in the first place. At its core, the Percy Jackson books are about a troubled kid with a bunch of problems in his life and getting to be important for once. The trials he goes through are crucial to Percy's development as a character and you get to watch him grow as the stories progress. It was something kids could enjoy and something in which adults would definitely find a lot of substance.

That was what made the books and the characters so investing, and the book actually conveyed all its themes about learning disability, responsibility, loss, and friendship quite well. Whereas in the movie... Wait a minute...

What was this movie about, again?

Seriously, I want you - anyone - to string together a coherent plot from the movies and make enough sense out of it. (That's actually a trick question, by the way, that's f***ing impossible.)

In order for a movie adaptation of the Percy Jackson movies to work as well as the books did, you're gonna need how to orient it right. To get the best out of the material, a Percy Jackson movie must be a family adventure epic with a lot of feels and substance; in other words, not a glorified 2-hour long pilot episode of something on CW.

Now that we have the tone and basic idea of what this movie should be, allow me to introduce my picks for who should direct.

Okay, so say the first two abominations never happened and they were starting from scratch. We have no Logan Lerman Percy, no token black guy Grover, and none of the other bulls**t from before, and instead we have a clean slate to work on. Who, among this decade's abundant crop of great directors, would be the best guy to put at the helm?

After carefully bouncing through a list of three names - JA Bayona (A Monster Calls), Jon Favreau (The Jungle Book), and Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl) - I was able to determine which guy I thought would be the best choice, and that guy is...

Alfonso Gomez-Rejon.

Upon watching Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (God, that is a long title), I found there was a particular rawness and charm to the film, the likes of which I hadn't quite seen before. The movie, besides being very well-directed, felt so full of energy and exuded youthfulness. Gomez-Rejon can handle drama and comedy, two elements the Percy Jackson books had in abundance, very well, and the amount of charm, heart, raw emotion, feels, and dry sarcasm would suit a Percy Jackson movie perfectly.

Besides that, I really do think Gomez-Rejon could and would bring a lot to the table. The cinematography in MaEatDG was fantastic and a filmmaking style of a similar flavor being applied to a Percy Jackson movie would not only be cool to see, but it would also be a breath of fresh air. There are moments in The Lightning Thief I can see benefiting from Gomez-Rejon's style in MaEatDG, and I think the guy is just a fantastic director.

With Gomez-Rejon's talented eye for character development and a script from John Orloff (Legend of the Guardians) and Jesse Andrews (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl), I think we could get a pretty great adaptation of a pretty great book.

I'm not gonna lie, that's a thought that actually excites me.

And now comes, perhaps, the most important part of putting this movie together, and that would be...

It's important to keep in mind that the Percy Jackson books were never about a group of teenagers embarking on a quest to dismantle some oppressive government with some convoluted love triangle thrown into the mix. If anything, the themes in the books are more like those found in Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That being said, I think it's absolutely crucial that we cast kids as the stars of this movie.

To keep things short and to the point, I'm only gonna be giving my picks for the three main characters, some important side characters, and the gods and goddesses who are most relevant to this story. I'm not gonna go out of my way to give a pick for Procrustes or Clarisse or who should be doing mocap for the Minotaur, so don't worry. Enough babbling; let's get right into it.

I happened to really enjoy Stranger Things, so it shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone when I say that I think Finn Wolfhard would make a pretty good Percy. He has the charm, he has the chops to carry a role, and he's just a likeable guy. What else can I say? The kid's a fantastic actor and I think he'd be fantastic as Percy.

I'm gonna be dipping into Logan's pool of insanely talented child actors for this one and say that I think Hannah Westerfield would make a pretty good Annabeth. Not only does she look the part, but she was also very good in Logan. I would've liked to see more of her and the other kids in the movie as far as child actors go, and perhaps this kind of role would give her that freedom.

You'd think a bumbling, awkward sidekick would be quite easy to cast, but somehow the original movie got it wrong. In the movie we got, Grover was the token, charismatic black guy - someone cast for the sake of adding some "diversity". You couldn't have gotten farther from the gist of Grover's character even if you tried.

You know who would make a pretty good Grover, though? Justice Smith - otherwise known as Radar from Paper Towns. His awkwardness felt organic and a genuine part of not only the character he was playing, but of his personality, as well. He was great in Paper Towns, and I think he'd make a pretty awesome Grover.

There are literally dozens upon dozens of actresses who can pull of the role of the supportive yet somewhat troubled mother, so this next casting choice may be more of a choice of preference. That being said, I'd always imagined Sally to resemble Laura Dern. Something about Laura really just gives her a motherly vibe, and I thought she was great in The Fault in Our Stars (which, admittedly, was quite boring), so I thought, "why not give her a part here?"

Originally, I would've loved to have seen Robin Williams in this part. Unfortunately, he passed away a couple of years ago. I do, however, have another guy in mind, and his name is Bryan Cranston.

The guy has the chops to pull off a fatherly, mentor-type character with a lot of the heart and charm that should come with it. On top of that, he's also quite versatile and can be bad-ass when required. He's perfect for the role.

You know who's absolutely godlike? Viggo Mortensen is. Not only is he king of Gondor (and, by default, king of all men), but he's aged very well and is genuinely one of the greatest actors to ever grace mankind. He exudes class, elegance, and nobility, and I think he is pretty much a real-life, physical embodiment of Zeus - and one that's considerably less horny.

Who doesn't look at Ben Mendelsohn and say to themselves, "you know, he looks like a pretty chill dude." While he generally does play deranged and unhinged characters in other roles, I don't think playing a chill, laid-back father figure is anywhere beyond him. When he's not yelling at Imperial technicians to deploy the garrison, he's actually pretty fun, and I reckon he'd make a pretty good fit as Poseidon.

Mr. D (or Dionysus, whatever floats your boat) is a special kind of character. He's sarcastic, mean, and a bit of an asshole while at the same time, still being quite goodhearted. So I think it's fitting that Gilbert Gottfried play the god of wine. He just exudes the kind of personality that I feel Dionysus would have.

Idris Elba is a scary dude. Sure, he's charming and witty and super stylish off camera, but when he's on, he is one scary-ass dude. Shere Khan, Heimdall, Krall - every time he gets into these kinds of roles, he doesn't just own them, but he makes the most of how intimidating they should actually be. And I think that really is the most important attribute a god of war should have, thus making Idris Elba my pick to play Ares.

You know who's a bit of a dick? Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who. While he is heroic in some aspects, Twelve has a lot of pent-up anger in him, and he constantly lives with that. While the writing may be out of line with who the Doctor is, as a character, you really can't say that Peter Capaldi is horrible in the show. He plays angry and vengeful quite well and, if he can speak with an American accent instead of a Scottish one, I think he'd make a great fit as Hades.

Luke has to appear and act unmenacing. That's something integral to his character and his personality - the whole nice, older-brother type - was the main factor as to why the plot twist was as crushing as it was. So, I thought, who can pull that kind of character? Then I watched Power Rangers and I found him.

I thought Dacre Montgomery, who played Jason (the red Ranger), exhibited all those qualities that I was looking for in Luke's character. Besides that, he also looks the part, and is a really good actor, to boot. As such, he's my pick.

So, that concludes my pitch - I don't know if you could call it a pitch, but I guess it is - for my (and possibly yours, too) ideal Percy Jackson movie. I put this together because I genuinely believe that this material would make for a really good line of family movies in the vein of Toy Story and the Harry Potter movies. These are some genuinely great characters that people grow up reading about, and, in many cases, even alongside them. Among the many reboots and remakes coming out, I feel like this series is one in dire need of a remake.

And, in the event that does happen, hopefully it gets put in the hands of someone that understands the themes and the story the way an avid reader would, and that's something I think these kinds of books deserve. If you liked this, then great! If you feel like you have a better idea, feel free to leave a comment below.

Also, I know a lot of you are wondering where my review for Beauty and the Beast is, and I promise you it's coming. In the meantime, as always, this has been Rafa. Stay classy.