Wait, no. Something's not right. I'll just fix that.
There we go!
I regret spending 230 bucks to see this. I really do.
So, Clash of the Transformers of Egypt Wars - Rise of the Silver Surfer was directed by Alex Proyas, the dude behind The Crow and I, Robot, and is the most recent addition to the list of big-budget blockbusters that made s**t at the box office.
Seriously, though. This movie made too much.
Now, this movie generated a lot of controversy, particularly for its casting choices. I'll just get one thing out of the way - I couldn't give a rat's ass about white-washing anything, but I'm all for literary and contextual accuracy. It makes no sense for anyone in this movie to look the way they do.
That being said, Gods of Generic Popcorn Cheesefest is pretty much about family drama in Egypt's pantheon of gods and goddesses and, after having his eyes gouged out by his brother Set, Horus teams up with this mortal to save Egypt. Like I said, it's generic, and it makes for a super-bland generic cheese-fest. But first, let's get into the things I liked about this movie.
Like this fine lady over here.
I did like the movie's scope, and the score was pretty good. And I especially liked Courtney Eaton... for... very masculine reasons. I'm not gonna lie, she is super hot.
Like, ridiculously hot.
Okay, now let's rip this movie to shreds. And I'll start with the characters. I couldn't relate to any of the characters whatsoever, and all of them were unlikeable in one way or another.
Well, not all.
It's as if the Alex Proyas watched The Force Awakens and Deadpool and decided, "you know what, why don't I have a cast full of s**t-talkers?" Almost everyone in the movie was an annoying smart-ass or just a complete asshole in general. Let's take Toth, for example - holy SH*T, this man was annoying. He's all like, "hey, I'm the god of wisdom and you're a dumbass, you dick." I couldn't stand him, at all.
Brenton Thwaites' character was annoying as s**t, as well. To give you a brief overview of his character, he felt as if would've been right at home in Attack of the Clones. Actually, every character was, I think, pulled from someone in the prequel trilogy. Like you have Ra and he goes all Emperor Palpatine-mode at one point. Everyone was just so over the top, and everything was over-acted.
The writing was complete balls, as well. The moment I compare any movie to Attack of the Clones, that could only mean one thing - and that would mean that it's God-awful. Everything from the humor to the romantic dialogue was painfully awkward, and the supposedly "bad-ass" lines felt like they were written for Mr. Freeze.
And, when coupled with the sh*tty over-acting, the writing just came off as really, really bad and awkward and forced. Like, worse-than-Attack-of-the-Clones bad. I'm confident that the script went through exactly zero people before being given the green light.
As for the overall production value, the entire world in which the movie takes place is just really unbelievable and so outlandish that you just don't buy anything. Like, this is Egypt we're talking about. Why the hell does some of it look like the bloody fairy world in Maleficent? And the casting choices just threw any sense of believability that this is ancient Egypt out the window. I mean, if they cast Rami Malek and Ben Kingsley, it would've been a bit more consistent with the whole theme of ancient Egypt.
And, if this is ancient Egypt, why do so many people have hair, and why do the gods or royal people not apply eyeliner? I mean, seriously.
It's a well-known fact that ancient Egyptian eyeliner game was always on fleek.
If this was a different and completely fantastical world merely inspired by Egyptian mythology, then that would've been okay. At least, that way, you'd be able to dick around with the way people look, but no. They had to make it Egypt.
And the art direction for the gods when they, like, transform into biomechanical animals or some s**t like that, it looks awful. It's so incredibly generic and, when you see them fighting, you're just like, "those look like Decepticons."
Which brings me to the action scenes. I couldn't piece together anything that was happening on screen. When the gods were fighting each other, they looked like two metal baboons doing some weird BDSM stuff in the sky. And the other action sequences were terrible, too. I ended up laughing at one point because of how bad they were.
It was almost as if the cameraman was having a pull while shooting.
Speaking of the cameraman having a pull, what is up with the amount of unnecessary gratuitous cleavage shots? I mean, I'm a guy, I like seeing that, but in this movie, having this many cleavage shots just doesn't make sense. Oh my God.
In the end, the movie was a mess. Nothing made sense, nothign screamed Egyptian mythology, and nothing in this movie showed me that it was worth anything more than a Great Mighty Poo.
With extra cheese, for good measure.
No amount of Courtney Eaton screen time could've made me hate this movie less. In some cases, it's so bad, it's laughable. Speaking of which, what's the most laughably bad movie you've seen? Leave a comment, let me know! And, what did you think of Clash of the Transformers of Egypt Wars - Rise of the Silver Surfer? Leave a comment about that, too. As always, this has been Rafa. Stay classy.
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