I
don't know how or why the idea dawned on me the other week (I'm pretty sure it
had something to do with my obsession with Emma Roberts), but I thought
to myself, "Hey, what if we had a Totally Spies live-action
movie?"
I
lingered on the thought for a while - probably longer than I should have - and
I said, "I can come up with a pretty okay Totally Spies
movie." I mean, I've watched the show (I'm a guy - we love
that show) and followed it almost religiously, and I think I'm well-versed
enough in the lore to know how this world works.
It
was difficult finalizing a plot and a cast, but, in the end, I guess I kinda
put something together. But before we get this ball rolling, let's first
appoint...
The
Director
Now,
the best cop-out to use in this scenario would be to call Michael Bay or the
dude who directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but, no, I'm not gonna
do that.
Instead,
I'm calling the Wachowskis.
Why?
It's got a lot to do with how I would imagine this movie would be approached as
far as style and aesthetic are concerned. Remember Speed Racer?
Yeah, that one.
You
know; the one with the fake Zac Efron and the orgy of bright colors? If you do,
then that means you've seen it, and that would mean you know what I'm talking
about. I mean, the cartoon was full of colors and had cool action scenes and a
good amount of humor. Speed Racer had those, and these elements would,
without a doubt, work really well in a Totally Spies movie.
Now,
you can sorta question the quality of the film but, hey - I only said I was
thinking of how this movie was gonna piece together, I never said it was gonna
be perfect.
The
Plot
There
was one question I asked myself when thinking this movie through. Is this movie
gonna be a reboot of the series or is it gonna be a new story in the same
universe?
I
decided to go with the latter, and it went something like this...
It's
been six years since the Spies graduated highschool and parted ways for
college, and now they're all working and living their own adult lives - or,
young adult lives, rather. Then, all of a sudden, they all get called up at the
same time by WOOOHP (who else?) and are all reunited. Jerry then tells them
that the agency's been compromised and that the world is about to plummet into
chaos and that it's up to Alex, Sam, and Clover to save the day.
That's
how it begins. When it came to the rest of the story, I thought of borrowing
several plot elements from Zoolander and using them in the movie. So
here's the rest of it...
As
it turns out, there's this whole agency of bad guys behind it, and they use
male models and attractive (and brainwashed) male celebrities to do their
bidding.
And,
bam, we have our movie.
Oh,
why'd you go in that direction, Rafa? Why are they the villains? Well, I
decided to go that way because the villains would be playing to the weaknesses
of one (if not all) of the Spies, and that would make for some interesting
character development.
And,
speaking of characters...
The
Cast
Like
I mentioned earlier, this idea might've been conceived in my obsession with
Emma Roberts, so I'm definitely putting her in the cast.
Now
the three ladies I chose, I chose for specific reasons, other than that they
all look the part.
And good, like, really, really good.
Now,
Clover was always the bitchy-but-not-always-smart character, and so I figured
Emma Roberts would be the perfect fit. She has the chops, and she has the look
- it's a match made in heaven (just like me and her).
So good.
Alex
was the tomboy in the trio (if I remember right) and I figured Victoria Justice
would be a good fit to play the role. Alex was shy (compared to the other two)
but was strong in her own ways, and I'm sure Victoria Justice can do just that.
It works (don't question, just roll with it).
Oh, so good.
Moving
on, Sam was always the smart, charismatic leader-figure in the trio and Nathalia
Ramos on House of Anubis was smart and charismatic. She also really,
really, really looks the part. I mean, like legit.
And
there we have our Spies, but where would they be without...
Jerry!
I
needed a charming and endearing British man to play the role of the wise
Professor-X-meets-Galahad-from-Kingsman character. I was originally gonna bring
Hugh Laurie into the picture but, after watching Harry Potter again, I
decided to add Remus Lupin into the mix. I mean, the dude was a great mentor
figure in the Harry Potter movies, and I'm sure he can carry that over
to another role.
Now,
for the villains, starting with...
This guy.
I
have no idea why, but I had this idea of throwing Vince Vaughn into this movie
as one of the villains. He'd be the arch-villain's right hand (of sorts), and a
Mugatu-meets-Valentine-kinda villain. Why Vince Vaughn?
Why the hell not?
And
since Vince Vaughn is only one of the villains, there would definitely have to
be someone more intelligent, cunning, and evil than him. Enter Charlize Theron.
Oh, yeah.
I
cast Charlize Theron as the archvillain since I know she can be terrifying, as
well. She would be the agency's head honcho, and would be the one orchestrating
the attacks, kidnappings, and brainwashings.
Toss
James Franco and Stephen Amell into the mix (as dudes who end up getting
brainwashed) and I think we could have ourselves a pretty enjoyable movie. But
how good would it be, exactly?
The
Anticipated Outcome
Critics
are probably gonna s**t on this movie and rip it to shreds, but that doesn't
mean it can't be a fun Summer blockbuster with lots of ass-kicking and
'splosions, right? I mean, I'm not expecting it to be good, but
I'm pretty sure it would entertain me to no end.
Given
that the Wachowski Bros. are known for having movies that are balls
as far as narrative is concerned, but have intense action sequences that are
hella fun to watch, I'm sure I would be giving this movie an Unimpressed
McKayla.
Sorry, Emma - I love you, but...
The
movie's not gonna be super good (or probably not good at all),
but, to me, it'd still be worth watching.
So,
my Totally Spies movie - if it was real, would you watch it or would you
rather stay away from it? Leave a comment, let me know! Like what you read and
wanna see me tackle other series? Let me know! And, as always, thanks for
reading, and I'll be back soon.
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